Monday, 22 October 2007

Further to the recent recommendations on the reporting of childhood obesity to parents.

From the Head Teachers Office
Eff Hall Primary School,

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Trencherman,

Having recently completed the physical assessment of all of the pupils in your children's year group and in accordance with the reporting instructions received from the Department of Health I regret to inform you that both Chardonnay and Tyler have been found to be fat.

To be frank the result of the assessment was perhaps predictable.

Mrs. Hodges, up until recently the schools 'Client Dietary Coordinator' (formerly the Dinner Lady) expressed her concerns to me about Chardonnay and Tyler's diets during a conversation in which she stated that, and I quote, 'F**k me, you should see the s**t the poor little b*******s are being sent in with. Fatty foods, f**k, you could fell a fr*****g elephant with that cr*p. Mind you should see the parents, F**k me, most exercise those tw*ts get is getting up to go to the fridge. C***s the both of them, Jesus wept!'

Mrs. Hodges, who is 72, and has worked at the school on a voluntary basis is currently on an extended leave of absence having been found to be suffering with a stress related condition.

However and in accordance with the recent report by the Medical Research Council which noted that obesity was society's and not the individuals fault, I have cancelled this weeks Year 1 Peace Studies and Citizenship lessons to enable the children to compose a poem of apology to Chardonnay and Tyler as I feel that we all have a degree of responsibility.

I hope that this letter hasn't come as too much of a surprise.

Yours sincerely.

Mrs. A. Dissembler.
Head Mistress