I love Britain because……?

In one of the greatest gifts to satirists since the sainted Tony informed us that having the ‘hand of history on our shoulders’ wasn’t a sound bite, it was reported today that the ‘Dark Lord of Mordor and Kirkcaldy’ has decided that a ‘citizens summit’ of 1000 Orcs is to be convened to decide upon the wording of a new "national motto" for the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

This motto is designed apparently to be a focal point of the Dark Ones drive to encourage patriotism and Britishness.

At an undisclosed cost to the tax payer every school and public building in the country will be inscribed with these words, words that are to be a "statement of values" summing up what it means to be a British citizen

Apparently this phrase which is expected to consist of five or six-words and based around ideas of fair play or national pride could also end up being emblazoned on our Passports / ID Cards and Birth Certificates.

The motto idea is part of a package of constitutional reforms ordered by the Prime Minister as one of his first acts in Downing Street.

I’m agog, I really don’t know where to start with this as the options are, for all practical purposes, unlimited.

But one has to kick off with something, so;

A) Listen Gordom, it really pains me to say it but you have pretty much won the next election already. Drop the pretence. This has nothing to do with engendering a greater love of this realm.
It’s an opiate to be administered to the English, who I believe still to be fundamentally Unionist, in sleight of hand to cover up a botched devolution settlement. How many Scottish Schools and public building will have these mystical words inscribed upon them as it will undoubtedly require the approval of the Scottish Government?

B) We really don’t do this overt sloganeering and flag waiving stuff that well. Our patriotism is understated and I’m quite comfortable with that. I’ve always thought that those who scream and shout about their nationality and how patriotic everyone is, or should be, are somehow just insecure. We really don’t need to do this because deep down in our hearts ‘we just know’. That’s our strength and it’s more than enough for me. Elgar, beer and the majesty of the ‘Crown in Parliament’ will do, oh and not forgetting a healthy dose of cynicism.

Bland phrases masquerading as something of deep importance will still remain just that, bland phrases.

And anyway it’s something that is bound to divide opinion rather than unite it. There will never be unanimity in approval of any particular phrase or slogan thus undermining the whole point. The national rallying symbol of the 2012 Olympics springs to mind.

C) And as for the phrase itself. I suppose it’s going to be a ‘tedious happy clappy inclusive thing’. Don’t misinterpret this, I believe in an inclusive and tolerant society but you just know that the slogan won’t be along the lines of

“we few, we happy few…”

Or

“When Britain first, at Heaven's command, Arose from out the azure main”

Or

“God, who made thee mighty, Make thee mightier yet”.

Or even better,

“May he sedition hush and like a torrent rush, Rebellious Scots to crush”

I might have to settle for ‘I’m Fucked, you’re Fucked, we’re all Fucked’ especially as Gordum is soon to have his tenure in Downing Street extended by the sheeple.

I warrant though that you, gentle reader, will come up with a better suggestion.

Please feel free to comment.

Perhaps we should pick the best and set up an on-line petition in its support.